Friendship Crisis

I came to the realization yesterday that if I were to stop putting effort into my friendships, I would only have about two or three left. That was rather sobering, to realize that so few of the people I call “friend” actually contribute to what is considered “friendship”.

As an only child, friendship has always been important to me. I cherish relationships with people. However, most of these relationships are rather one-sided. I’ve always been more than happy to do more than my share of the upkeep. Right now, though, I’m not sure if I’m alright with that anymore.

I have a couple of people who can’t contribute anything to a conversation. They simply laugh after everything I say, and when I try to turn the topic to them, they shrug and say that they have nothing new to share. Others only have one way to communicate with me, and they realize it; however, they choose not to check it frequently enough to actually talk. Some turn the topic of conversation continuously to themselves, even when you’re trying to speak to them about something.

It’s utterly exhausting, trying to keep everything straight. It’s even more frustrating to not have anyone to talk to.

At this rate, I’ll be thrilled to go to college by spring, considering I might actually meet people interested in friendship.

I don’t feel that I’m too unreasonable. However, it could be that my relationship ideals only exist and thrive in a fictional setting. That would be greatly disappointing.

So here I sit. Desperate for conversation, but with no one to talk to. If I email them, will they answer me within a week? Say they answer my message, but they only sending laughing emojis after each thought of mine? Or maybe I’ll try to communicate something important to me and they’ll want to talk about coats.

Perhaps I need to dial back my sense of humor. As much as I enjoy my class clown image, it may be more beneficial for friendship to be less hilarious.

NaNoWriMo Update

Guys, November has been flying by. I’ve been so swamped with school work, graduation project panic, camp work, writing, and Robotics, I haven’t had the time to sit down and write a blog post.

School has been crazy. The workload is bearable, but school isn’t fun anymore. I remember when I was an excited little sprout, who loved education and classwork. I’m not that person anymore. In fact, school is just a lot of pressure. My graduation project needs some serious work done, but I don’t have time.

Where has all my time gone, you may ask? Well, I’m training people in media up at camp this 4.12 year at all of the retreats. Unfortunately, three of these fell during November. All in a row. I finally have a weekend off, but I have two more in a row following. It’s been a blast, but it’s also exhausting.

Because weekends are normally prime writing time for me, I’ve been falling behind a bit with NaNoWriMo. In fact, I just caught up to where I need to be for today, and now I’m taking a break. I haven’t had a single Saturday where I took hours to write. So, I guess I’m doing well. My mother is the sweetest woman ever, who allowed me to slide on all of my chores this month: officially. Just so I’d have more writing time.

Robotics, meanwhile, has been crazy. We have a ton of meetings, it feels like. A ton of things to work on. A ton of things to accomplish. Worst of all, my area of expertise–strategy–is getting the short-end of the attention stick. Most people are more interested in being involved in mechanical, or electrical, or software. Even three-dimensional design work has more takers than strategy. Our only dedicated strategists are female, and it’s hard to think that something that is so vital and beneficial for our team’s success is being neglected.

I respect the importance of all the other divisions that work to make a robot. They are all vital to our team. Strategy, however, is beneficial. They can design, prototype, program, fabricate, and create a working robot: that’s not the issue. Without a proper strategy, however, we won’t be able to succeed at competitions.

However, that’s a soapbox issue for another time.

Meanwhile, NaNoWriMo has been presenting me with plenty of struggles. This is my big year: 50K. I worry about the story, and if the message I’m conveying is cohesive. But it’s better to leave that up to God.

I hope November has found you less busy that I am, and I wish you a blessed Thanksgiving with friends and family. I’ll be back soon!

NaNoWriMo Jitters

Here I sit. One hour until National Novel Writing Month officially begins. My sixth attempt; I am historically successfully.

And I am terrified.

All I have been able to say about this for the past two days is “I’m not ready”. And I haven’t been able to say it to anyone. So I turn to you, dear reader, in the absence of anyone who cares to understand my severe apprehension.

I have the plot ready, so that isn’t my problem. In fact, I’m rather excited for this story. In my last book, my characters experienced the tough parts of growing up. Now, they’re experiencing some of the more exciting elements. I have a more simplified plot, along with starting and ending places.

I think my characters are ready. I know what has happened to everyone in the last year. Where they have stumbled and struggled; where they have grown. I’m excited for them, yet also heartbroken. I’ve designed this plot to be the end of this “Toner World” I created. The end of my childhood stories.

Is that what’s bugging me? It’s my senior year. I have so much on my plate, and everything is about to change. Oh, for crying out loud, everything is changing. Everything is already changed. I don’t have any best friends; I have responsibilities in every part of my life; I’m growing up.

I want to be excited to jump back into this world. And as I begin to talk about it, I’m getting excited.

Is that my problem? I don’t have anyone to talk to? And it’s not that I don’t have anyone to talk to—it’s that the people I talk to don’t care about my writing. For goodness sake, today I tried to bring up my writing to my one friend, and they said “dun dun dun”. That isn’t conversation. That’s a sound effect. I can contribute those on my own.

Am I so sick of not having anyone care? Is it manifesting in this upset bubble of “not ready”?

Actually, someone does care. I received the sweetest, most encouraging card the other day. They care.

Well, there’s one.

I guess I’m just in an odd place right now. For example, I’ve been growing out my hair since I was ten years old. But I’m in such a need for a change, I have an appointment in a few days to chop it off.

Do I need change? I know I’m sick of maintaining my long hair. I’m sick of a lot of things.

I guess what’s important is, I’m excited to wake up tomorrow and reenter the world of my characters. For the last time. The last November.

At least they care what happens to them.

And I love them for it.