Fear Faced

I have returned from the valley of shadows, where deep fear and insecurity lurk. Perhaps you will find much amusement in my story.

As you may know from my previous post earlier today, I was on TV today. That was my focus. It was live TV. I was up early. I traveled far, I was underprepared (not by my own choice), and I wanted to do well. I feel that I did, and if you’d like to hear about that, go ahead and click the link.

If you’d like to hear about what happened after that took place, read on.

I had a few hours to unwind before the meeting tonight. The meeting where I would face my fears and attempt to be elected into a position. The meeting I chose not to prepare for because the last time I prepared, I bombed my speech.

I get to the meeting. I can already tell I’m getting a little loopy–I’m touching my friends’ hair and complimenting it; I’m repeating random words; I’m saying things in my loopy voice; all very good signs that my brain is starting to lose it after little sleep, a lot of awake, and the pressure of the day.

The meeting starts. As I mentioned–I was kind of out of it. I don’t remember if we really had any transition into elections, but I remember being asked if I wanted to give my speech first and saying, “Nope.”

Then, my friend got up to give his speech. It was amazing. It was eloquent. He did an amazing job presenting his case for election, and I was super proud of him. Then, he stepped down and it was my turn.

I put my sweatshirt down onto the chair I’d just vacated (since apparently my body was a little confused, too), stood in front of them, and tried to recall my three simple points. It was going to take a max of twenty seconds.

And then I drew a complete blank. It was like my rational thoughts had floated to the ceiling. I assume that’s where they went, as that is where I was looking when I wasn’t speaking some sort of intelligible words and making eye contact with people. I couldn’t say anything, except really poor attempts to make people laugh. They also didn’t work: it was like a stand-up comedy routine. I felt as if I’d come out of some kind of coma and didn’t remember basic English. My brain was macaroni and cheese. And then I sat down. Though I hadn’t intended to, I’m pretty sure I’d just made the case for my friend. “Here, vote for me as your leader! I…um…lemme think of a reason why…”

The mentors went to count the ballots, and he and I both sat through an informative meeting regarding an upcoming event. Both in agony. Me, that I might have somehow managed to win an election against someone who gave a charismatic speech. Him, that I might have somehow managed to win an election that had previously been set for him to win.

AND FINALLY. The verdict came. He was elected.

The chorus of hallelujahs went off. Yes! I had accomplished my task! I wasn’t elected, I had faced my fear, and my friend had put more thought into his choice and was going to be a better leader because of it. Hurrah!

Oh wait. Now we have more elections. See, now I was running for the position I wanted originally. The position I was passionate about. The position I’d been preparing for without even having anything approved yet because I was just so excited. This. This was my moment.

As long as I could form an intelligible sentence.

And somehow, by the grace of God, I did! I nailed that second speech! I got up there with confidence, beamed the smile I’d been flashing at strangers all day out of pure joy, and I put my heart on the line. This is what I can do for you all. This is what I want to do. This is what I’m good at. It was even in English.

And hurrah! I was elected! The hallelujah chorus sounded again, and I celebrated internally.

So there you have it. My absolutely hilarious recount of tonight’s events.

Or maybe it isn’t funny.

As I’ve already told you, my brain is mac’n’cheese right now.